omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
