the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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