He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
