dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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