Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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