yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
