I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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