im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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