I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
