If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
