so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
