i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
