You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
