dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
