pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
