That's intense
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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