haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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