Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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