I could make wine with my vomit
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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