new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
