I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
