i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
