Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
