It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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