Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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