Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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