i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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