I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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