Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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