Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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