i just sent this text using only my big toe
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
