he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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