Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
