i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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