I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
