so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
