jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize