I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
