you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
