hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
