I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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