I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
