she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
