Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
