I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
