you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
