would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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