It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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