You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
God, I missed his penis.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
