I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
