I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
