God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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