Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
