the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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